Over the last few years I have come to realize a lot about myself, as I suppose most people do in their early twenties. One thing that I have more recently began to think about - and I don't want to say "I realized about myself" because then it is true - is whether or not I am awkward.
The odds are not in my favour.
Some examples:
1. Sometimes people tell me I am awkward.
2. I wave at people. It's like a nervous tick. If I want to talk to someone who is across a room, instead of going over to them, I wait for that brief moment of eye contact. When that moment comes, I don't really know what to do with it... smile? Sure. That would make sense. But no, I guess I feel that is not sufficient, so I raise my hand to about shoulder level (while the elbow stays close to my waist) and and wave it back and forth. Why? Rarely is this reciprocated.
Who invented the wave? It's silly. It's a vague sort of a greeting that says "I don't know how to communicate to you with my face right now, nor can I get close enough to you to talk to you, so I will just start moving other parts of my body. In fact, why don't I just stand here and flail around until you look away? Good?"
As if I didn't already look like weird enough standing around like an awkward teenager at a high school dance... you know, hanging out by the refreshments (are there refreshment tables at high school dances? I wouldn't know, I never went to any.), peering back and forth between the food and the person of interest. Both are good. Food = good. Person I want to talk to = also good. Both good. But food is easier. You don't need to talk to or wave at it. And if there's punch... forget about it.
When I was in high school I was practically a poster girl for non dating. I questioned, even chastised my friends regarding their dating decisions. I insisted that there is absolutely no point in dating while you are in high school because those relationships wouldn't last. "Are you going to marry this person?" I would say, condescendingly. "Umm, I don't know" would be their reply - as it should be from someone in their teens. "Well, why are you dating then? What is dating to you, anyway?" etc etc. I was doing my friends a great service, really, constantly sharing my many insightful musings on the topic.
I was annoyingly proud of my stance. I don't think I would enjoy talking to myself about this, were I to go back 8 or 9 years and meet me. But really, I think I would have a great time hanging out with me. We would laugh a LOT. And get into only God knows what kind of shenanigans. We would only discuss 15 year old Jenny though, lest we get into some sort of Back to the Future scenario, where I told her about stuff from the future and then it changed the course of important events and messed things up for everyone. Mind you, shenanigans probably wouldn't help in not messing up people's futures either.
If I got into conversations with 15 year old Jenny about current Jenny, she would be like "You're not married? What? Oh... you're not even dating anyone? I thought you'd have this figured out by now. I expected you to. I know I am acting like a pompous ass now, but come on. You're not in high school anymore. You're 24. You should at least have a potential boyfriend... something on the go..... nothing? Why are you so weird?"
(Let it be noted that these would be the thoughts of a 15 or 16 year old me. I do not currently regret that I am husbandless. I am in fact, 24. *Note the different context this time when stating my age, and how in this light, I .... I don't really need to explain this, do I? )
Then 15 year old Jenny would probably do all sorts of irrational things based on information she gained about her future upon meeting current Jenny, and then who knows where current Jenny would end up. Which means, I would be different, which means 15 year old Jenny would then have met a different Jenny than current Jenny.... and this is why time travel makes no sense. And my name is starting to look really weird the more I type it.
ANYWAY...
As it turned out, my best friend from high school, who had the privilege of listening to my many thought provoking and convicting messages on why dating in high school is stupid, married her high school sweetheart. And here I am, 24, trying to figure out basic things about dating and relationships that she figured out in grade eight. Ironic, no? It's funny... I guess. Yeah. It's pretty freaking good.
